|Optimist: "I've got half a glass of beer!"|
Pessimist: "I %@#$ing hate Coors Lite!"
However you look at it, one thing is for certain: A bunch of lame bastards are making lists of "New Year's Resolutions" intended to make them better people. Typically, these resolutions are an acknowledgment of a personal fault that haunts their every waking moment. Whether we are too fat, too weak, too unable to walk up a flight of stairs due to a two-pack-a-day cigarette love affair, or whatever, we all have some physical personal affliction that can only be corrected on January 1st.
|This dude, for example, needs some mother%@$#in' Slimfast.|
Despite my seemingly derogatory tone, I actually appreciate our tradition of choosing this one time a year as an opportunity to improve upon our horribly flawed selves. After all, life would kinda suck if we spent all year long looking at our asses in the mirror and thinking "you know, I should really do something about all those lumpy things."
|Or not. People are into all kinds of crazy $#!%.|
Yes, the New Year's Resolution allows us to ignore our glaring faults for 364 days a year, and believe me when I say that that is great for your self esteem. We simply cannot be allowed to waste our short time on this damned rock as it hurls angrily through space obsessing over what we're eating, the amount of exercise we're getting, or whether or not that jackass that honked at us really couldn't figure out that we were changing lanes just because we didn't waste everybody's time by signalling.
|Chill, bro. It's not like we had an accident or anything.|
And so, I have decided to take part in this exercise of Americana, this ritualistic purification of the guilt centers of our brains. I shall take this once in a year opportunity to become a better person than I am, or at least to admit the areas that could use improving. So, here goes: My New Year's Resolutions:
1) Express myself more clearly.
I realize that I frequently say things without providing some sort of background information, leaving my listeners befuddled and sometimes confused about how to respond and act. Just as a quick example, I was recently conversing over a beer with an eldery coworker at a work party. I made the following statement to him: "Man, that shirt you're wearing is uglier than a a whore with herpes!"
|I mean, seriously.|
Of course, he stormed off before I had the opportunity to fully explain my statement. He will never know that I had, that very morning, been approached while in the McDonald's drive-thru by a hooker whose face bore that exact same pattern, only in the form of herpes scarring. If he knew this, then he might have properly appreciated what I had said rather than taking it at face value.
2) Stop returning phone calls.
I get a ton of call every day, I'm talking three, sometimes four phone calls in a single 24 hour period. Frequently, the bastards that called me will leave a voice mail, which, in case you are one of these people and are curious, I never check. I've got your %@#$ing phone number on the phone. I'll call you back.
Or maybe I won't.
You see, I've found that returning phone calls seems to breed a sort of contempt in the heart of the original caller. Rather than the cordial response one might expect for having gone to all the trouble of picking up the phone, reviewing the calls, and pressing redial, I often hear this sort of $#!%: "Mr. Justice, your phone bill is now two months overdue. If you do not remit the total bill of $131. 54 immediately, we will terminate your service."
|At about which time I begin to accuse the person on the other end of looking nothing like the call center receptionists on their website.|
I therefore acknowledge that I have a personal flaw that causes me to return those call that must from this day forward be corrected.
3) Stop being so nice to children.
I will admit this flaw right up front: I am very tolerant of children and their behavior. You see, because of my personal weakness, these children do not have the benefit of my social education. Where parents fail (as they generally do), the rest of us must step in and correct matters.
|...as this kindly lady has devoted her life to doing.|
So, I resolve to hit more children, regardless of age, sex, or any other modifier for any behavior that would not be befitting of an adult. I will simply beat down any mother%@#$er, no matter how young or old, whenever they do some $#!% that deserves it.
|"I knew it was a mistake to move in next to that elementary school!"|
4) Buy a bigger car.
One of the greatest dangers on the road are assholes in their tiny-ass cars.
|It's like a ladybug %@$#ed a tree and this damned thing popped out.|
These vehicles are so difficult to see that they cause more accidents every day than you can count, many of which go completely unnoticed as they involve two similarly tiny vehicles.
Therefore, I resolve to get rid of my Chevy Cavalier as it is a terrible road hazard, kind of like my grandfather.
|Dammit, grandpa, get out of the car and back up to the still and get crackin' on that 'shine!|
So, I resolve to buy and drive a larger vehicle that everyone will be sure to see as I drive down the road. I will also paint it bright yellow for added visibility.
|That's the one. I shall call her "Safety Queen."|
And so, with these four changes to my life I shall acknowledge how I have failed, place several phone calls to businesses and mental health professionals whom I believe can help me make these dreams a reality, then forget all about them so I can continue about my everyday existence in blissful ignorance that I am a complete failure at life.
|Just remember: When you fail at life, drag as many people down with you as possible.|